I'm not a writer. I'm not good with words. I am a mother-to-be, or I hope to be. I am 22.6 weeks pregnant and have lost most glimmer of hope. This past week has been one of the most terrifying and unexpected turn of events I could have ever imagined. You never think something like this will happen to you. You never think it could get this bad...
Thursday night will be a moment in my life I will never forget. I always imagined the moments leading up to the birth of your child as exciting, happy, somewhat scary but in a good way. Knowing that once this is over you will have a healthy baby to hold in your arms, kiss on, and stare indefinitely at. That's what we all like to think.
One second they give you hope that it is still possible to have a baby to hold if we just do all the right things. The next they tell you that your baby has very little chance or, "viability" as they like to call it. It is not comforting to hear the triage nurse yell, "23 weeker in triage one, gross rupture". Just when you have calmed your fears for the first, second, fifth time in the course of 2 days, someone deflates them again.
The conversation with the MFM specialist that Rob, my mother and I had on Saturday...hardest thing I have ever been through. To be told what odds your baby has with each day..to say that even if she were born in a few weeks, she has no fluid to expand her lungs in the mean time. To say that she has 50-90% chance of have long term neurological deficits... To say that if I choose to have a C-section to give this baby a chance, it could effect my abilities to have children in the future...
Bottom line- God gives us no obstacles that we cannot overcome. God has a plan and a will for our life. Rob and I will be a stronger family through this. We have be so moved by the prayers, words, and thoughts of our families and friends. They mean the world to us and have given us such comfort knowing that they are there. Please pray for God's will to be done and to remove all fear from our hearts. I feel it is the ultimate sin to be fearful in this time but it seems to overcome me...
